Being human (can be so difficult)
by shir0ch4n
Summary: Or how Volga tried to act like a normal human being five separate times and failed. Plus one time he actually succeeded without trying. Part of my what if AU where Volga was never possessed by Cia.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Etiquette

It wasn't anything big. Not really.

At least by Hyrulian nobility standards it wasn't.

It was just a dinner. A small, social, _get together_. That was all.

So then _why_ was this _so difficult_!

"Wrong." drawled out the voice for the fifth time.

Slamming down the spoon the redhead couldn't help but lose his composure as he barked out, " _Oh, what_ _now_?! I grabbed the farthest spoon, I placed the stupid napkin on my lap, I did not unfold the damn thing, I did not pick up my plate, and I did _not_ eat with my _bloody_ hands! What in _Dinsake_ did I do wrong _this time_!?" Fuming, he barely heard the bored,

"You pulled the spoon towards you."

Completely frustrated, Volga just let his head fall onto the table with a loud groan. Not really caring for Eliza's exclamation of it having just been repaired after his last visit.

This dinner was going to be a disaster.

* * *

A/N: I'm back from the writer's grave with this shorty. My beta is on a fishing trip with his dad and grandpa so any mistakes here are mine. But yes as the summary says it's going to be five snippets of our favorite hybrid acting human and failing.

I'm kinda mad at myself because I researched proper formal dinner etiquette and all I have to show for it is this small chapter. And yes you do in fact spoon soup away from you, tilt the bowl in the opposite direction from yourself, and sip the soup but not slurp it from the spoon. Don't shove the spoon into your mouth and don't blow on it if it's hot. Never blow on hot foods. Apparently burning your mouth is proper etiquette but whatever.

* * *

 _Up Next: Every parent's nightmare._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Biology

* * *

Every child at some point asks the dreaded question that is the bane of all parents everywhere. Vincent had hoped that perhaps he would never have to fall victim to it as his daughter would stay young and innocent forever. It seems as though reality had other plans. However, he was right about one thing.

He didn't have to answer the question.

When Diana was 6 years old she decided to ask _that_ question. It was her favorite uncle who fell victim to it. Curious as to his response, Vincent couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation.

"That's simple," the baritone voice said with ease. Concerned the father prepared to jump into the room. He forgot how blunt his friend could be. "hatchlings come from eggs." And he immediately faced palmed.

He also forgot that his friend is a dragon and of course they all hatched from eggs. Somehow he made it even more difficult to discuss later.

* * *

A/N: They're an egg laying species why would they know about pregnancies.

Also, he panicked.

* * *

 _Up Next: If hylians were meant to fly, Hylia would have given them wings._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Limitations

* * *

It was as the screams grew fainter that Volga realized he had made a critical mistake. Quickly jumping into action he threw himself off the cliff face after the panicking hero. Once he secured Link he summoned his wings to slow down their descent to the ground. As soon as they landed the hero broke off and sent a wave of frustration and confusion towards his friend. Ignoring the looks the others were giving the pair.

The trip had been going so well until that point. The group of allies had gone on a rare leisure trip to the mountains beyond Death Mountain. Where there was actual foliage and not just rocks. Much to the dismay of Darius.

Excited, Link had gone to hike up to the tallest peak to get a good view of Hyrule in all its vast glory. After all his hard work he enjoyed the view for the entirety of 5 seconds before he felt hands on his back and was then scre- yelling- as gravity suddenly took hold out of no where. Now he wanted answers.

Or maybe not, as the uncharacteristically embarrassed dragon let out a quiet, "I forgot humans can't fly."

Now he just wanted to lie down.

* * *

A/N: It's just a prank bro! Haha now all I can think is Link getting flashbacks to Skyloft and Zelda pushing him off the ledge but the bird doesn't come. I mean it's kinda where I got the idea from.

Saiyuri-dahlia: Yeah, it is part of my never possessed AU. I feel like we kinda missed out on some good old NPC interaction from the other games. Not to mention some background about not just Volga but the other new characters as well. Feel free to read He's Not That Bad for more context of this AU version of Volga. I hope you enjoyed this story so far, you'll get a kick over how he manages to act human.

* * *

 _Up Next: Really? Are you really gonna put that in your mouth, bro? Hey! Have some self respect._

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Don't forget to R&R, they feed my creative juices. Also bonus cookies to whoever recognizes the up next line from.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Diet

* * *

The kitchens were often quiet during the early dawn hours. Usually it was only Daniel who was there, prepping for the _very_ busy breakfast hours. However, ever since their resident recuperating _guest_ was given permission to explore the castle, the chef found a constant companion for these lonely hours. The hybrid was so curious about the different meals humans can create that he couldn't stop asking about them.

Speaking of,

"So what is this made out of again?" the dragon immediately made a face after sniffing the offending foodstuff.

"I told you it's called _cheese_ ," the cook took the cheese out of the hybrid's hands, " _Aand_ , it's made out of milk."

"What in dinsake is _milk_?"

"It's what comes out of a cow's or goat's udders. We sometimes drink it or cook with it."

"You people decided to just _drink_ and _eat_ what came out of another _living being_?!" Volga asked incredulously. There were a lot of questionable things he had consumed but never anything that came _out_ of another creature.

"Well, we eat eggs too." Daniel supplied offhandedly. The chef's attention was elsewhere before realizing what a _stupid_ thing that was to say.

" _WHAT_?!"

* * *

A/N: Sometimes it's ok to fail being human, we can be really weird. Also, again, they're an egg laying species.

Yes I know there are egg eating lizards. However, these guys are basically endangered and sentient, it's a bit counterproductive to eat your own eggs.

* * *

 _Up Next: Fashions fade, style is eternal._

Don't forget to review, it makes the fanfic go round.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Fashion

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It didn't make sense.

It _never_ made sense.

Why would the humans time and time again cover their bodies head to toe with _fabric_. It wasn't even comfortable fabric, it's scratchy and thick and rough and just generally unpleasant. At the very least if it's just for modesty they can just cover the "important" bits and leave the rest to breathe.

But no, it was "That's too bare, think of the talk." or "people don't run around half naked." Personally his favorite was "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU'LL GIVE SOME POOR FOOL A HEART ATTACK!"

So, when Volga finally agreed to go to some stupid party - forgive him - some stupid _ball_ , he was less than pleased at the prospect of having to wear a _tunic_ for the whole evening. Even worse he had to get _fitted_ for the blasted thing since he doesn't even _own_ a tunic. While the dragon was not shy at the thought of being touched or looked at, there were limits as to how long he can stand being stared at and frisked for _measurements_. That wretched tailor had her fun he bet.

Too bad he didn't stay in that tunic for very long.

* * *

A/N: I don't write for M or smut, sorry if the last line implied that. It's actually a sort of preview to a hopefully longer multichap fic I'm working on.

Also _clothes..._ on _animals_!?That's barbaric! /s

* * *

 _Up Next: And then there was one._

Remember just one review will feed one poor plot bunny starving from writer's block, have a heart and please review. This has been a FF PSA. Thank you.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Curiosity

* * *

There was a small creature.

Then there was an ambush waiting to happen.

And then there was one victor.

As Impa watched the last of the would be bandits be secured in the wagon, she turned to the dragon with a questioning look on her face.

"Not that I'm complaining or anything, these men have been known to ambush incoming travelers... but how exactly did you find them? We've been searching for _weeks_ with no results and then you find them in an _hour_ of being here."

Volga plainly replied, "I have heightened senses, I just sniffed them out."

He released a small sigh of relief as Impa took the answer at face value and continued to dole out orders.

She didn't need to know he followed a cat for an hour.

* * *

A/N: I'm not ashamed to say that this is kinda based on an actual thing I did...except it was an hour and a half...and it was a gaggle of geese and goslings. I did not take down organized crime while doing this unfortunately.

But you gotta admit this is probably the most human human thing to ever human. I mean we used to _literally walk our prey to death._ Like can you imagine this huge buffalo dying because it got like heatstroke or something because this small fleshy biped decided to follow it and _not stop_.

Anyway hope you guys enjoyed this and don't forget to R&R.


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